I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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