like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
