I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
