her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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