and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
