The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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