I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
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The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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