Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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