shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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