my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
