I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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