Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
