I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
