This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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