did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
