There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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