when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
