Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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