I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's rum buckets o'clock
When are your genitals available?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
