Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
