moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Please don't give away my fajitas
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
