if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
