I wish I could teleport
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
