Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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