I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize