But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
