I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
