Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How does it feel to date your dad?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
