my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
