Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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