i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I use my feet as sexual weapons
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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