Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
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Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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