my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm too high and old for this...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
