I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
