I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
