forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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