Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
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