Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
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