I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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