There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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