what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
