pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
