i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm going to jail i love you
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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