There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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