so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
