we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
