I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I wear drunk well.
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