Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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