Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
this is an emotional support booty call
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
