that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
