you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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