I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
