i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
