I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
