Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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