So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
