I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
