So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
