so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
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What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
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This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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