Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
As shirtless as possible
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
